I'm keeping my kids off social media
And there's nothing you can say to convince me otherwise.
Since I wrote my last post about social media, my thoughts have evolved, and my guidance has been refined. Jonathan Haidt’s The Anxious Generation has been hugely influential. If you ask the kids in my practice, I have become obsessed with this topic, both professionally and personally.
Today, I feel pretty resolved that I won’t get my kids iPhones until they are in high school, and they won’t have access to social media on their phones until even later–maybe college. They can have flip phones and Apple Watches before high school. No phones or smart watches will ever be permitted at school. iPads and laptops will be family devices that we all share, and they will not be permitted in the kids’ bedrooms. I’m really hoping that these sorts of rules become social norms, and the other parents in my social circle adopt similar regulations, too.
I tell my proposed rules to the kids at work, and they are horrified. They try really hard to poke holes in my plan, but I have answers to everything. So let me compile and summarize some of the conversations I have had with teenagers over the past few weeks.
What if your kid needs their phone for homework?
I hope that, by the time Eleanor is old enough for this to be relevant, schools drastically reduce the amount of work students do on screens. I am optimistic that we are moving in that direction. But even if they don’t, nobody needs to do homework on an iPhone. A computer should work just fine.
What if your kid needs a computer in their room to do homework?
They can do their homework in one of my apartment’s common spaces. Doing so is better for focus and sleep hygiene anyway.
How will your kids communicate with their friends?
They can call or text on a flip phone.
Aren’t you worried they’ll feel left out?
Sort of, but they should be able to stay on top of what’s going on just fine with social media on a family iPad. I don’t see a compelling reason why they should have unfettered access to it at all times, anywhere they go.
Aren’t you worried they’ll be bullied?
Yes, which is why I don’t want them to have iPhones with social media until they are older. Bullying is much more commonplace these days online than it is in person.
Kids can say stupid stuff even without phones.
Totally! Kids say stupid stuff all the time. But if it’s on social media it will live on a server somewhere for all of eternity.
Don’t you think they need a phone for safety?
I think iPhones and social media make kids considerably less safe.
What if there is an emergency and they need to call you?
They can call me on a flip phone.
What if there is an emergency and you need to know where they are?
If I feel the need, I can track their location on an Apple Watch. (But are we fully sold that GPS tracking is good for kids?)
What if there is an emergency at school and you don’t let them have their watch or phone?
Believe it or not, emergencies took place before 2007, and we were just fine! Schools have plenty of phones, and they can contact me if need be.
Don’t you think they’ll get so bored?
I think they’ll figure out other (and perhaps more productive) ways to entertain themselves, and I think it would be great if they learned to tolerate boredom.
But everyone has a phone.
I know, and it’s a huge problem. We made a huge mistake allowing iPhones and social media to infiltrate every corner of our lives. We are collectively worse because of it. It’s really hard to avoid phones, but wouldn’t we all be so much better off if nobody had one? I think momentum is shifting in the right direction, though. We are realizing how bad this really has become. Not so long ago, teenagers smoked cigarettes and nobody wore seatbelts, but then we realized we were putting kids in harm’s way, and we shifted. Hopefully the same thing is happening here.
Aren’t you addicted to your phone?
Totally, and it’s miserable. I’m an adult with fully developed frontal lobes, so if I struggle to limit my phone use, I can’t imagine how tough it must be for a teenager.
Plus, I am a worse person–and a way worse parent–when I have my phone in hand. Doesn’t it annoy you when you are trying to talk to your parents and they are distracted by their phones?
Since it’s so hard to resist, I have recently committed to putting my phone on my nightstand when I’m home. It’s the only way I can keep myself from using it when I should be paying attention to my kids. I have my Apple Watch on my wrist in case someone needs to contact me urgently. I find that putting my phone away improves my focus, mood, and patience, and I am confident I am modeling healthier habits.
Your kids are going to get so mad at you.
Probably! But that’s true regardless of whether or not I limit phones and social media. I drive Eleanor crazy already, and she’s years away from any of this nonsense. Kids invariably get angry with their parents. I’m not scared of them, though. As a parent, it’s my job to keep them healthy and safe, even when (or perhaps especially when!) it’s difficult.
***