Not another post about Princess Kate

How to have difficult conversations with kids

I’m ashamed to admit that I spent the past few weeks chasing conspiracy theories about Kate Middleton, and I felt pretty mortified when she announced to the world that she had cancer. When I learned the news, I was particularly concerned for her young kids who didn’t choose but instead were born into a life in the spotlight, and I thought about how difficult it would be for them to cope with their mother’s illness in public eye. So it was interesting this week to share my thoughts on the topic with Inside Edition and to discuss more generally how we can all talk about difficult topics like cancer diagnoses with small children.

The vast majority of what I said about these sorts of conversations with little kids applies to teenagers. Most importantly, it’s important to tell them what’s going on as soon as possible. I’m a big proponent of honesty with children, no matter their age. It’s impossible to shield them from bad news. They are so perceptive, and even if they don’t overhear someone else talking about it, they can tell when something is wrong. So it’s better to tell them the truth and to build a relationship based on mutual trust than it is to let their imaginations fill in the gaps in a way that is almost certainly scarier than reality. Manage their expectations of what is to come by giving concrete information and using vocabulary that they can understand. If they ask follow up questions, answer them to the best of your ability.

Try to stay calm, but feel free to communicate your emotions. They are almost certainly feeling pain and distress, so it’s helpful for them to know that they aren’t alone. If you’re sad or scared or angry, you can tell them. If you need to cry, then cry. But try your best to model healthy coping. Tell them what you are doing to feel better.

Don’t overpromise. If you aren’t sure things will be okay, don’t say they will be okay. If they ask a question that you can’t answer definitively, say you don’t know. Provide reassurance by explaining how you are managing the situation. Tell them what you are doing to gain control and to keep them safe. Tell them who is supporting you, and connect them to their own network of supports.

Lower your expectations for how they will participate in difficult conversations. Many teenagers seem older and more mature than they are. Most lack the emotional insight and vocabulary to engage as fully and deeply as you’d expect an adult to. That’s okay. Even if they don’t seem like they are listening or understanding, they probably are more than you think, so keep talking. Therapy can help, even if their stress and grief seem normal and expected, and even if they outwardly seem fine. They certainly don’t need a formal diagnosis to benefit from space and time to process their emotions with someone who is professionally trained to help.

If the difficult topic is a medical one, child life specialists can help. Child life specialist are healthcare professionals who work with children and families in medical settings to help them cope with the stresses of hospitalization and illness. Most child life specialists would be happy to work with your kid, even if they are a teenager and even if they are not the medical patient. Take advantage of this invaluable resource.

I hope that difficult conversations come up so infrequently for you that, when this advice becomes relevant, you feel totally bewildered and out of practice.

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This is me trying to balance out a dour post with some spectacle!