Stop Saying "We"
When parents' language undermines children's autonomy and identity
Last winter, I received a call from a mom of a high schooler who had been struggling in school. His attention was poor, his sleep was a mess, his study habits were problematic, and his time management was basically nonexistent. The mom told me that these issues had been present for a long time but had recently worsened after “we had a bad concussion” in a basketball game. It was such an interesting turn of phrase: certainly, she wasn’t playing basketball with him, and two heads cannot have one concussion. But since she described her son’s concussion that way—as being sustained by both of them—I have been noticing many parents using first person language to describe their kids’ experiences. And I think it’s problematic for both them and their children.
The shrinkiest explanation for using “we” construction (e.g., “We had a concussion”) is enmeshment. Enmeshment is a psychological term describing a relationship pattern where boundaries between individuals are blurred or nonexistent; the identities, thoughts, and experiences of the individuals are overly intertwined. As a child psychologist, I think first person language can signal an enmeshed parent-child relationship, which can undermine the individuality of the child.
Alternatively, the “we” construction may signal that parents are overcompensating for their children. When I hear parents saying things like “We are applying to college,” my initial interpretation is that the parents do not trust their children to spearhead the process; parental anxiety and insecurity make it impossible for them to relinquish control to their kids. In those cases, I have to imagine that the kids hear the same thing and feel as if they cannot trust themselves.
This all may sound really persnickety, but language really matters. It’s essential to speak in a way that recognizes and fosters children’s identities. A simple shift to the third person (e.g., “He had a concussion,” or “She is starting to fill out college applications”) allows children to have their own voice and agency, creating space in the conversation for their autonomy and self-expression.
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I’m trying to figure out why The Outsiders won Best Musical but the 2020 revival of West Side Story did so poorly.