Stop Solving Problems That Aren't Problems
Four questions to ask before suggesting a fix
Dara came into my office with her five-year-old son, Jack, because Jack wouldn’t let anyone put him to bed except Dara or her husband, Brett. They had a babysitter, Jill, who Jack had known for years. Jill was highly competent, Jack loved her, and they completely trusted her, but still, every Saturday night, Dara and Brett couldn’t get to dinner before 8:30 because one of them had to be home to tuck in Jack first.
Dara wanted to know if something was wrong with Jack. Anxiety? A sleep disorder? And once she knew what was causing the problem, she wanted to fix it.
I asked what they’d already tried. Nothing, she said; they’d just been making late plans.
Then I asked what would happen if they left while Jack was still awake. Dara said that they didn’t know. Jack got so upset even talking about doing something different that they’d stopped bringing it up. And besides, he fell asleep easily this way. He seemed happy. And, if she was being completely honest, she and Brett liked this part of the day with him, too.
So I asked, “What’s the problem, then? If he’s sleeping well, and he’s happy, and you’re happy, why are you trying to change something? Is putting Jack to bed stopping you from doing things you want to do?”
“No,” Dara said. Their friends teased them a little about eating dinner so late, but mostly people didn’t mind.
“Is there something coming up?” I asked. “A wedding, a work event, anything in particular that will actually require you to leave before bedtime?” No. Nothing they could think of.
I told them what they were describing sounded pretty normal. Plenty of little kids want to be tucked in by a parent. Plenty of parents like being the one to do it. It wasn’t getting in anyone’s way. Yes, Dara and Brett got teased sometimes. And yes, they stood in contrast to their friends who were able to leave their houses earlier with kids wide awake. But not every family runs the same way, and kids want different things from different people at different times. What works in one house doesn’t necessarily work in another. This isn’t pathological. Jack didn’t meet criteria for anything. He didn’t need a treatment plan. He needed his mom to tuck him in. It sounded like they’d all talked themselves into a problem that didn’t need solving.
I see this all the time. Somewhere along the way we stopped letting childhood wackiness just be childhood wackiness. Big feelings. Fighting with a sibling. Shyness. Picky eating. Not wanting to sleep away from home. Wanting a parent at bedtime. None of this is fun, but all of it is common. Normal, even.
So before calling a professional asking how to fix something, I want parents first to ask themselves four questions:
Is this actually a problem?
If it is a problem, whose problem is it?
Who has the power to change it?
What’s the smallest intervention that might help?
When Dara and I walked through these questions, she realized she didn’t have a problem. Maybe her friends did, and they were teasing her about something that Jack was “supposed” to do. But her family was okay. The smallest intervention was to just leave it alone, and Dara and Brett would reframe the situation in their minds.
Ultimately, nothing really changed. Dara and Brett still put Jack to bed. They still hand him off to Jill fast asleep and rush to their 8:30 dinners. The only thing that shifted was how they thought about it.
That’s sometimes the most powerful thing I can offer. Not a strategy. Not a diagnosis. Just permission to stop solving a problem that was never really a problem in the first place.
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