Texting with Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni
Celebrity drama as a case study in social learning
Like anyone with both a pulse and an internet connection, I've been obsessively following the Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni drama. And while there's plenty about the story that isn't funny at all, I find their text messages to one another to be absolutely hilarious. The way that these people talk to each other is just so embarrassing! I can’t imagine sending such cringe-worthy, emo, tactless texts to anyone–least of all to my coworkers.
Their interactions reminded me of a conversation I had recently in my practice. A mom came in, wanting to talk about her kid who was behaving in some socially inappropriate ways at school. She said her son had disproportionate reactions to tiny slights, cried at weird times, and generally acted immature and whiny.
They had tried everything. Multiple conversations about better ways to express emotions. Role playing. Practicing outside of school. Discussing better ways to get needs met. But the kid wasn't showing these behaviors outside of school, and there wasn't any reason to think there was a social or emotional skills deficit.
So when this mom asked me what to do, my answer was simple: nothing. Let social cues do their work. Kids are bound to react negatively to this kind of emotional reactivity. And, when they do, that feedback will be potent in shaping her son’s behavior.
Social learning matters a lot. After all, humans are social animals. We need to learn how to function in a community, how to communicate respectfully and assertively, and how to treat others in ways that actually make them want to help us. We need to nurture our relationships because we need other people to help us reach our goals.
Which brings me back to Blake and Justin. Their text conversations are perfect illustrations of what goes wrong when there are zero negative social cues to shape behavior. These are people surrounded by yes-men, constantly being told that everything they say and do is wonderful. And so we end up with people who have absolutely no idea how to communicate with basic grace and tact.
I understand that social learning can be hard, and every parent wants to shield their kid from bad things. Of course it’s good to protect your kids from gratuitous meanness. And of course don't be mean to your kid. But don't try to shield them from every single negative social cue. Don't be your kid's yes-man, inadvertently constructing a bubble of celebrity-style social dysfunction.
Instead, let social cues do the important work of teaching your kid how to be a functioning human being. Social learning is exactly that: learning. Like any form of education, it involves some discomfort, some trial and error, and some tears. But these experiences are invaluable teachers. They help our children develop the emotional intelligence and social awareness they'll need throughout their lives.
Perhaps we should thank Blake and Justin for providing such a clear example of what happens when this natural learning process is short-circuited. After all, it’s better to learn these lessons on the playground than in the public eye.
I happen to adore you, readers. xo
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