The Art of Listening
Lessons from Walton Goggins
I complained to my brother the other day that I couldn't think of anything to write about for this week's newsletter, and he jokingly suggested that I write about the Sam Rockwell scene of White Lotus. Challenge accepted!
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This semester, I have spent a lot of time teaching consultation skills and explaining to my graduate students how to communicate effectively with parents, educators, and other professionals. In our work as psychologists, we often find ourselves in the position of delivering difficult truths or uncomfortable feedback, so we have to master the art of offering guidance without making people feel defensive. Most of the time, my students want to focus on how to deliver information: how to phrase things so the message is received well and how to avoid triggering an emotional reaction. But, instead, the most important skill I teach is how to listen. It's not so much about how we say things, but rather how we receive and process the information shared with us. We need to be as good at listening as we are at speaking.
No matter how complex or emotionally charged the situation, we need to listen without interrupting, without immediately offering advice, and without rushing to fix the situation. Basically, we need to channel Walton Goggins and his brilliant display of how listening, in its purest form, can speak volumes.
Empathetic listening doesn't come naturally to most of us. When we try to engage in difficult conversations—whether it's with a child, a parent, a colleague, or even a friend—we might rush to offer solutions, judge the speaker, or miss their underlying emotional needs. But people in both professional and personal settings need to feel heard before they can accept advice. And that's where empathetic listening becomes necessary. We need to be deliberate and thoughtful about creating space in conversations where the other person feels truly understood and validated.
As parents, educators, and mental health professionals, we need to be aware of the barriers that prevent us from listening empathically. First and foremost, we live in a world filled with distractions. The constant ping of notifications, the endless stream of emails, and the pace at which we move through our lives can make it hard to be present in the moment. There's also a deeply ingrained tendency to gravitate toward solutions. We want to fix things, especially when we see someone suffering or struggling. Finally, fear of vulnerability can be a barrier. Many of us often feel uncomfortable with raw or unprocessed emotions. We may worry about saying the wrong thing or exacerbating the situation.
To practice empathetic listening, we need to give ourselves permission to slow down. We need to create moments of silence and space in conversations. Put away your phone. Don't focus on formulating your next response. Simply attend to the person in front of you. If you must say something, reflect what they're feeling, and validate their experiences. Resist the urge to solve problems immediately. Empathy doesn't require us to fix everything—it requires us to be present, to serve as a mirror for someone else's experience, and to make them feel heard, no matter how messy or complicated their emotions may be.
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Love her so much!