The Family iPad
One way to navigate through the screen time maze
Someone recently asked Eleanor, my seven-year-old daughter, if she had an iPad, and she looked at me, not sure how to answer. I understood why she seemed confused; the answer wasn’t so simple. Yes, she has an iPad, but it’s not really hers. It’s a family iPad she can use when she wants to. Right now, she’s little, so she doesn’t need to use it very much at all. Mostly, it comes out when we get pedicures together, and we sit side by side, me typing away on one iPad while she plays Khan Academy Kids on another. Otherwise, the iPad lives plugged in and charging in the cabinet under the TV in our living room.
Since it’s a family device, the rules surrounding the iPad are up to my husband and me. (Mostly me!) In our house, we don’t really have strict or explicit “screen time” limits, but Eleanor generally understands that if there’s anything better to do—hang out with her brother, go to the playground, call her grandparents, even watch a movie on TV—I’m not letting her use the iPad, so she doesn’t bother asking.
The apps are ours to choose, too. I don’t think iPads are great teaching tools, but every so often I add an “educational” drawing or math game to the home screen, figuring that, while there are certainly better ways for Eleanor to practice drawing and math, at least these apps won’t be harmful, and Eleanor seems to be entertained for now. For a while she was watching YouTube videos of a girl and her mom unboxing toys, and one day Evan and I decided the videos were a little creepy and weird, but we were too lazy to monitor what she was watching, so we just deleted the app, no negotiation. And if Eleanor doesn’t like our decisions about the iPad, she is free to choose not to use it. That’s it!
Eleanor is seven. We’re at the very beginning of all this. But I think the general framework we have implemented is working and setting the stage for easier conversations later. The device—whatever it is, iPad, phone, laptop—will always belong to our family, on terms we set and can change whenever we want. Her expectations for agency and independence and privacy will be minimal if the device is effectively mine. And there will be no negotiation to have because it doesn’t belong to her, and it won’t until she can pay for it herself.
I think the main reason this seems to be effective is because nothing about technology and child development is simple, and it’s impossible to set up an allow-versus-restrict binary. I don’t buy that there’s some magic age when social media just becomes fine, but at the same time, screens aren’t going anywhere, and kids will find their way to them one way or another. Technology comes with real upsides and real downsides, and our job is to teach our kids how to use it well.
I want to be clear that I’m not sharing all this to tell anyone what to do. This is uncharted territory for all of us. It’s hard, and it’s personal, and what’s effective in one house might be a disaster in another. Plus, everything is constantly changing, so what works today might not tomorrow. So while this approach seems to be good right now for my family, I’m not claiming it’s the answer for everyone all the time. The best we can do is stay flexible and keep adjusting as we go, and I’ll share what’s held up so far in my house in case some version of it is useful in yours, too.