The Perfection Trap
Parenting in the age of social media
Parenting has been forever changed by social media. Of course parenting has always been challenging, but the advent of social media has introduced a whole new set of pressures and expectations, which have profound implications not only for parents but also for the children who have grown up online.
I’m a millennial, so social media has been a constant presence for my entire adulthood. Gen X is the first to parent—and Gen Z is the first to experience childhood—in a world where every aspect of life is curated and shared online. Parents who had children around the advent of social media are now parents to teenagers, and they and their kids have only known family life that is regularly shared with the entire world.
Social media makes personal branding paramount: every experience is meant to be documented and shared with a broader audience. Everyone has become an influencer, presenting an idealized version of life, which creates unrealistic expectations for everyone else trying to emulate these impossible standards. Sure, the research on social media causing a variety of societal ills is weak. But I think social media’s impact on self-esteem and emotional development is undeniable; the constant need for external validation clearly affects individuals' well-being.
Online content exacerbates parents’ feelings of inadequacy, making parents worry that personal failure is to blame when they or their children fall short. Under pressure to be perfect, many parents turn back to social media for explanations and solutions to their and their children’s struggles. And there is an entire ecosystem of social media influencers who literally make a living off of parents and kids who feel inadequate. Influencers prey on parents’ anxiety, selling diagnoses and parenting programs to people desperate for solutions.
While attributing difficulties to diagnosable conditions with clear-cut treatment plans can be comforting, this pathologizing trend can lead to overdiagnosis and stigmatization, masking typical development and convincing people to spend money on snake oil.
There is a clear need for community resources that help parents navigate normal challenges without jumping to pathological explanations. These resources, like parent groups, pediatricians, and teachers, should provide guidance and reassurance, emphasizing that many struggles are a normal part of the parenting journey. And parents should proceed with caution when seeking advice online. While online influencers can provide valuable insights, their content often sets unattainable standards. It is essential to approach their advice critically and to seek balanced perspectives that reflect the complexities of real-life parenting.
Post-publication edit: I worry that a lot of these child development and mental health influencers and their parenting programs are giving a therapy a bad reputation. So let this serve as your reminder that online programs are not therapy. Therapists, unlike online practitioners, will integrate multiple sources of information when making a diagnosis, consider and rule out differentials, and advise treatment plans that take into account individual needs and context.
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