Time Out Isn't Punishment
Why stepping away is sometimes the most connecting thing you can do
I recently worked with a couple who had totally different ways of handling conflicts with their teenage kids. Sarah would stay in the room, determined to talk through the issue right then and there. Her wife, Maya, would retreat to the bedroom to calm down.
Both thought the other’s approach was actively harmful. Sarah criticized Maya for disconnecting from the children, referring to Maya’s tendency to walk away from conflicts as passive-aggressive avoidance. Maya criticized Sarah for failing to notice when things were too heated to be productive, when Sarah’s own agitation was making things worse, and when the “talks” had devolved into screaming matches that left everyone feeling even worse than when they started.
I sided with Maya. I thought her instinct was right: that sometimes the most connecting thing you can do is give everyone space to calm down. She and her kids had a secure attachment. They could tolerate her brief absence. What they couldn’t tolerate was being trapped in an escalating fight with a parent who was also having a temper tantrum.
Later that week, I saw another mother, Jennifer, whose eight-year-old son, Isaac, would, like Sarah, Maya, and their kids, lose his cool. Isaac’s occupational therapist had taught Jennifer a thousand co-regulation strategies–deep breathing, sensory tools, muscle relaxation, calm voices, you name it–but every attempt to co-regulate seemed to agitate him further. He didn’t want Jennifer close; he wanted space.
Both stories illustrate that taking time out is part of healthy coping.
Most people think of time out as a punishment. They picture a child sitting miserably on a step or in a corner, banished for bad behavior. But that’s not what time out is supposed to be.
Time out should be reconceptualized as time out from positive reinforcement. In other words, when someone is engaging in undesired behavior, they’re often getting something out of it—attention, a reaction, engagement–even if it seems negative. Time out removes that payoff temporarily; it breaks whatever cycle is maintaining the behavior. So people who take time out need not suffer. Instead, they should take a brief, boring pause that helps everyone reset.
Kids don’t really know how to use time outs effectively on their own, so sometimes parents need to enforce time outs to teach them. Here are some principles you need to follow when you’re implementing time out for your child:
Don’t make it punishing. Speak calmly and matter-of-factly, and keep it brief. No lectures, no yelling, no lengthy conversations about feelings. Think of yourself as a referee calling a brief pause in a game rather than a judge handing down a sentence.
Make it boring. Time out shouldn’t be stimulating or interesting. It’s not entertainment. It’s just a neutral pause.
Make it brief. A good rule of thumb is one minute of time out per year of age. A five-year-old gets five minutes. Any longer and it becomes punishing.
Reinforce the positive once it’s done. This is the part most people skip, and it’s the most important. When time out ends, reconnect positively. Return quickly to warmth and praise. Don’t dwell on the misbehavior or demand lengthy apologies or explanations. The point isn’t to make sure they’ve really learned their lesson; it’s simply to help everyone get back to baseline.
Taking time out for yourself as a parent requires a different approach, but the underlying principle is the same: you’re creating space to chill out so you can reconnect effectively.
Name it clearly. Tell your child what you’re doing and why. “I’m feeling too upset to talk about this right now. I’m going to take a few minutes to calm down, and then we’ll figure this out together.” Model emotional awareness and healthy boundaries.
Make it predictable. If you regularly take time to cool down, your kids learn that your absence is temporary and purposeful, not a rejection. Secure attachment can absolutely tolerate a parent stepping away briefly.
Keep it proportionate. You don’t need an hour. Usually 10ish minutes is long enough to calm down, short enough that you’re not avoiding.
Come back. This is non-negotiable. When you’ve calmed down, return and re-engage. Your child needs to learn that taking space means creating conditions to solve a problem rather than abandoning it.
Taking time out is a totally healthy thing to do when we’re overwhelmed. We step back, regulate, and return. It’s not weak, it’s not passive-aggressive, and it’s not abusive; instead, it’s wisdom worth passing on.
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