By now you’ve probably read about the Cornell sexual assault case. (Many people call it “the Cornell Seven,” but I don’t want to diminish its seriousness with a cute boy-band-sounding name.) To recap: a former student’s lawsuit alleges that, in 2024, she was drugged and gang raped by seven Chi Phi members in their fraternity house, and that Cornell failed to protect her. The DA recently reopened the investigation, and all seven defendants have denied wrongdoing.
Putting aside the question of guilt for a moment, the case has sparked a lot of conversations among parents (mostly mothers!) who are wondering how we raise sons who respect women. But just as many conversations are about how we raise sons (and daughters) who can speak up when friends behave badly and who can defend those who are vulnerable.
The truth is that being an “upstander,” as my daughter’s kindergarten teacher liked to put it, is very hard. Speaking out against group dynamics is extremely difficult for most people, and especially for teenagers and young adults. It’s easier to diffuse and deny responsibility than to be the one who breaks ranks. Even a kid with the strongest moral compass may struggle to call out bad behavior from friends because the desire to belong can easily outweigh one’s conscience.
On some level, this is developmentally appropriate and expected. By adolescence, sensitivity to social reward peaks, but self-regulation and inhibitory control may not fully come online until years later. So teens are likely to take risks, especially when peers are watching, and even when they know better. When good choices conflict with group acceptance, acceptance often wins. And not only are they socializing without adults present, but they also care less about our opinions than they do about their friends’. Even if we were in the room, they might still seek approval from their peers over us.
Which brings me back to the question so many of us have been asking: How do we raise people who can speak up to friends who are behaving badly? How do we keep our kids from becoming bystanders in horrifying situations like the one at Cornell?
I’m not sure I have a good answer. I don’t know if it’s really possible to raise a child who can confidently resist group dynamics. Maybe our best shot is to steer them away from groups that behave badly in the first place. You can’t be a bystander if you don’t ever enter the proverbial room.
And I think our best window for that is in early childhood. When our kids are little, we control their social lives. We control the playdates, the carpools, the after-school activities, and the families with whom we spend time. We engineer our children’s friendships.
Of course, how kids behave when they’re young doesn’t perfectly predict how they’ll behave when they’re older. Friendships shift as kids grow up and move through school, and who they hang out with in elementary school may not be exactly who they hang out with in high school. But, as my mom likes to say, leopards don’t change their spots. Nice, lowkey kids usually stay nice, lowkey kids, and families with values we support tend to raise kids with values we support. Even if the correlation isn’t perfect, it’s a pretty strong positive.
So let’s engineer high-quality friendships. Let’s push our kids toward kind, inclusive nerds. Let’s avoid trying to engineer coolness. And let’s definitely avoid teaching our kids that acceptance, power, and popularity are the top prizes, because those are exactly the sorts of priorities that will lead them into dangerous situations.
In my practice, I talk with families a lot about deterministic views of parenting, I caution against mother blaming, and I’m critical of how much pressure we put on ourselves to make sure our kids turn out well. Usually, I think these narratives are overhyped. In truth, we can’t shape our kids into exactly who we want them to be. (If only it were that easy!) We’re but one piece of a much larger puzzle. An important piece, yes, but there are so many other people who influence our kids. So let’s do our best while they’re little and our influence is greatest to ensure the quality of the other pieces. That way, even as our kids get older and our influence fades, they’ll still be surrounded by people who bring out the best in them.
TODAY IS PUB DAY! From the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone who supported Actually, You’re Fine. Please read and share with your friends. I cannot wait to hear what you think. Xoxoxo