I was so pleased to see the Wall Street Journal’s piece about FAFO parenting circulating online. For those who haven’t read it yet, FAFO is short for "F— Around and Find Out,” and the idea is, instead of trying to control every choice your child makes, you step back and let natural consequences do the teaching.
What's funny is that this "new" approach is something many of us who work in child development have been promoting for years, just without the edgy (awesome?!?!) name.1
It seems like, every week in my practice, I speak to parents who complain about “power struggles” with their kids. Most often, these power struggles happen in the morning. Parents describe that their kids refuse to do the various tasks involved in getting ready, and it devolves into a huge fight, leaving everyone frustrated and running late. My advice, almost invariably, is to avoid engaging in these power struggles using FAFO techniques.
Here are some classic examples:
Parent: My kid refuses to put on their coat. Me: Let them be cold.
Parent: My kid refuses to eat breakfast. Me: Stick a banana in their backpack.
Parent: My kid refuses to brush their teeth. Me: Let them be stinky.
Parent: My kid won’t get dressed on time. Me: Send them to school in their pajamas.
Of course, not every situation lends itself to FAFO parenting. Some behaviors have safety risks or long-term consequences that require intervention. But for the everyday stuff—getting dressed, finishing breakfast, brushing hair—the stakes are pretty low. Nobody is going to be affected by their being cold, hungry, or messy but them, and they might be uncomfortable, but they’ll be okay.
In fact, these sorts of minor discomforts can be exactly what kids need to learn. You forgot your water bottle? Now you're thirsty. You didn't bring your homework? Now you feel unprepared. These are lessons that stick. Kids learn best from experience. Not from lectures, not from nagging, and certainly not from lengthy debates with their parents about who is in charge.
The hardest part for parents, usually, is managing their own discomfort. They feel secondhand embarrassment or worry that the teacher will judge them when their kid hasn't brushed their hair in three days. But I tell them that’s their baggage; not their kid’s. If you're parenting for optics, not growth, you're missing the point.
The truth is, other adults probably aren't judging you the way you think they are. In fact, many of them will quietly admire you for stepping back and letting your kid learn from their mistakes. It signals confidence, not neglect.
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See this piece about gentle parenting and this piece about social feedback!