Discomfort is a necessary part of growth—real learning happens when we struggle, adapt, and push through challenges. Teaching kids to navigate imperfect situations builds resilience and prepares them for the real world far more than a "perfect" school ever could. How can we better show parents and kids that thriving often looks messy and uncomfortable, but that's where the real magic happens?
oh wow, I feel so seen with your post! Totally agree that sometimes school isn't perfect and kids have to learn to navigate. In my circles, I have felt like an outsider for NOT obsessing about my kids' school experiences. (and this goes for summer planning as well). I have to remind myself that it's just as important for my kids, and all kids, to learn to get along with those around them. Best if I stay to the side a bit. Thanks for this post, I wish I had it years ago!
Do you think that the school experience is either boring, but challenging or fun and not rigorous? Is it possible for school to be both rigorous and fun?
Ideally it will be challenging and fun! But if we’re being realistic, “challenging and fun” describes the minority of time spent in school (and on planet Earth).
I can see how much you value teaching your daughter resilience and the satisfaction of overcoming challenges. These are incredibly important qualities, especially in a world that often rewards superficial achievement over genuine effort.
That said, I find myself reflecting on another foundational issue: the importance of bodily autonomy in fostering the kind of grit you’re describing. For children, especially young girls, the ability to make decisions about their own bodies—when to rest, when to take a break, and how to regulate their own boundaries—can be an essential part of developing resilience. Without this autonomy, persistence can feel less like a choice and more like a demand.
How can a child truly internalize the value of effort if she isn’t also learning how to listen to her own needs? I worry that in environments where children are expected to “push through” discomfort without space for agency, we might unintentionally undermine their long-term ability to persevere in ways that are both healthy and self-directed.
I think there’s room to ask: How do we teach grit in a way that also honors bodily autonomy? How do we create environments where children can practice persistence while still feeling that they have control over their own bodies and choices? In my mind, nurturing this balance is key to helping children develop not just resilience, but also self-respect and confidence.
I want to be thoughtful in my response because you raise some interesting points. I think the key is not setting up a false dichotomy between demand and autonomy. There are a million things in between—things that most people wouldn’t choose in the short term because they aren’t fun but work in the service of long-term goals. And there is a clear difference between the discomfort that a kid feels in the face of homework and the danger a kid feels in the face of a violation of their body. These are not the same, and understanding the differences is fundamental in teaching kids how to stay safe. Also, taking breaks (and, more importantly, learning how to take effective breaks) is a major part of executive functioning and part of (rather than separate from) general discipline and work habits.
I didn't mean to equate emotional discomfort with bodily autonomy. Of course they are not the same. My point is one of priority. If a child doesn't have bodily autonomy then they don't have much of a choice, do they? Isn't that the point of “grit”?
Not at all. Grit is the ability to work toward long-term goals in the face of few immediate and tangible reinforcements. Someone gritty would be able to see into the future and decide for themselves that the present discomfort is worth it. It’s their choice. (Without autonomy I’m actually not sure how someone develops grit at all!)
Oh god- Certainly never abuse!!! Not sure how I feel about merit? I don’t mind merit in theory but I haven’t ever seen merit measured fairly on an actually equal playing field. And learning should be fun sometimes, but it’s not realistic or productive to think it should be all the time.
I dispute the notion that behavioral strategies are inherently abusive, though I understand they are not always executed well in schools and that reasonable people have compelling arguments against their use!
Goodness, what a powerful outlook. How to make something of less-than-perfect circumstances must build one resilient daughter!
Fascinated by what you write already Dr. Katie, thank you for this. Really looking forward to more.
Discomfort is a necessary part of growth—real learning happens when we struggle, adapt, and push through challenges. Teaching kids to navigate imperfect situations builds resilience and prepares them for the real world far more than a "perfect" school ever could. How can we better show parents and kids that thriving often looks messy and uncomfortable, but that's where the real magic happens?
Working on writing that book right now :)
oh wow, I feel so seen with your post! Totally agree that sometimes school isn't perfect and kids have to learn to navigate. In my circles, I have felt like an outsider for NOT obsessing about my kids' school experiences. (and this goes for summer planning as well). I have to remind myself that it's just as important for my kids, and all kids, to learn to get along with those around them. Best if I stay to the side a bit. Thanks for this post, I wish I had it years ago!
I love this! You are on the pulse of everything that is happening all around me right now as a parent.
Do you think that the school experience is either boring, but challenging or fun and not rigorous? Is it possible for school to be both rigorous and fun?
Ideally it will be challenging and fun! But if we’re being realistic, “challenging and fun” describes the minority of time spent in school (and on planet Earth).
I can see how much you value teaching your daughter resilience and the satisfaction of overcoming challenges. These are incredibly important qualities, especially in a world that often rewards superficial achievement over genuine effort.
That said, I find myself reflecting on another foundational issue: the importance of bodily autonomy in fostering the kind of grit you’re describing. For children, especially young girls, the ability to make decisions about their own bodies—when to rest, when to take a break, and how to regulate their own boundaries—can be an essential part of developing resilience. Without this autonomy, persistence can feel less like a choice and more like a demand.
How can a child truly internalize the value of effort if she isn’t also learning how to listen to her own needs? I worry that in environments where children are expected to “push through” discomfort without space for agency, we might unintentionally undermine their long-term ability to persevere in ways that are both healthy and self-directed.
I think there’s room to ask: How do we teach grit in a way that also honors bodily autonomy? How do we create environments where children can practice persistence while still feeling that they have control over their own bodies and choices? In my mind, nurturing this balance is key to helping children develop not just resilience, but also self-respect and confidence.
I want to be thoughtful in my response because you raise some interesting points. I think the key is not setting up a false dichotomy between demand and autonomy. There are a million things in between—things that most people wouldn’t choose in the short term because they aren’t fun but work in the service of long-term goals. And there is a clear difference between the discomfort that a kid feels in the face of homework and the danger a kid feels in the face of a violation of their body. These are not the same, and understanding the differences is fundamental in teaching kids how to stay safe. Also, taking breaks (and, more importantly, learning how to take effective breaks) is a major part of executive functioning and part of (rather than separate from) general discipline and work habits.
I didn't mean to equate emotional discomfort with bodily autonomy. Of course they are not the same. My point is one of priority. If a child doesn't have bodily autonomy then they don't have much of a choice, do they? Isn't that the point of “grit”?
Not at all. Grit is the ability to work toward long-term goals in the face of few immediate and tangible reinforcements. Someone gritty would be able to see into the future and decide for themselves that the present discomfort is worth it. It’s their choice. (Without autonomy I’m actually not sure how someone develops grit at all!)
You've made my point beautifully. Thank you.
Oh god- Certainly never abuse!!! Not sure how I feel about merit? I don’t mind merit in theory but I haven’t ever seen merit measured fairly on an actually equal playing field. And learning should be fun sometimes, but it’s not realistic or productive to think it should be all the time.
I dispute the notion that behavioral strategies are inherently abusive, though I understand they are not always executed well in schools and that reasonable people have compelling arguments against their use!